Still So Tired AND My Self-Designated "Reverse Culture Tsunami"

The main purpose of today's entry is simply to complain about how very very very very tired this life in LA makes me. I am already starting to feel pangs of regret about moving back here and being back in the thick of academic life again. (Before moving back to LA, I had considered moving to DC to be near friends and family, or Berkeley, also to be near family. In the end, however, I chose LA because I thought it was smarter to write a dissertation while having access to more teaching jobs and being near my professors).

So, today, Again, I will complain about the traffic - which is JUST an absolute nightmare. I try to be patient, but it just seems like such a wasted life to be sitting on the hot, expansive freeway an unneccesary 90 minutes each day.

Being on campus again is no real thrill anymore either. There are reminders everywhere - primarily lots of reminiscing with classmates whom I haven't seen for a couple of years - about the terrible terrible experiences some of us have had in grad school several years ago. While I was in Japan, I had managed to put all of those things out of my mind and thought that they were behind me. But now that I'm back, I worry about pleasing a lot of hard-to-please people again ... or else ... maybe they won't even approve my dissertation and finally let me ever graduate! (So goes the overly anxious line of thought that apparently floods my nervous system whenever immersed in this type of environment).

What's more, people around me are constantly talking about the number of chapters (of their dissertation) they have produced so far (I have none yet), going on the job market (hmm, not something I am looking forward to), deadlines for applications for fellowships (a despicable, time-consuming and draining process), and other "thises and thats" that just make my blood curl.

Unfortunately, I DO admit, that I do not enjoy talking about these things day in and day out. The constant reminders of all these stressful things are not conducive to my inner Ki and tranquility!!! Nor are all those uncomfortable hours on the *******, ****** ****-ing highway!

So, despite all of this anxiety and frustration, I am trying not to overreact. Of course, everyone must experience some amount of transition time where things just don't feel comfortable after a big move. I realize that it will/should take me a *bit* of time to adjust to this tinsel town world again... But now, in the wake of all this reverse culture shock - which I have decided to call my own reverse culture Tsunami, - I am wondering why in the hell did I choose to return to Los Angeles in the first place... Wouldn't it have been much easier to just move on out to the east coast or Berkeley instead? I guess I miss my friends from Japan now too. And, finally, to my further distraction and astonishment, I have recently found myself wanting to drop this (now clearly) dissatisfying life and become, perhaps, .... a truck driver, for example.

Sigh. ho hum.